The Brink

It's pretty unbelievable what all goes on during the course of a year. It's funny because it seems that the older you get, the faster years seem to fly by, but when you take a second to look back and think, I mean really let it marinate, it's pretty insane. For instance, take a second and go back to last January. Now let your brain wrap around all of the things, however big or small they were, that you got accomplished, didn't get accomplished, meetings you attended, parties you attended, classes you took, new friends you made, friends you left behind, things you saw, places you went, conversations you had... Overwhelmed yet? No joke. A year, even though it seems to go by incredibly fast, contains mountains and mountains of experiences.

This year, I sat down to make my resolutions. I'm not a huge fan of resolutions, simply because I'm pretty scatter-brained and tend to hop from one thing to the next without totally finishing the other and having a list at the end of the year showing me how much I didn't get accomplished kind of sucks. But this year I decided that in 2009 things are going to be different. (I know I'm thinking "yeah right", right along with you). Being a songwriter, I often draw my inspiration for my material from experiences I have, but being so scattered prohibits this sometimes because it's hard for me to remember exactly what happened, what I was feeling at the time, etc. Sooo, I decided to start up a blog. This is where you say: yay! All three of you who are reading this that is. Hi mom.

Anyways, moving on to the meat of this post. I want to thank you for stopping in to read this blog. A new year means new adventures, new struggles, new heartaches, new loves. It is my sincere pleasure to share my 2009 with you, and I pray that you find what you read to not only be something to pass the time, or something funny to read, but something real. Throughout this year my desire is to be transparent, to be genuine. I'm not perfect, in fact I'm far far from it. I'm actually kind of an idiot, haha. But I have found that genuine love requires genuine people, and that's what I want. So as you read the posts in this blog know this: I will never claim to know all of the answers. In fact I know few. But I do know a love that exceeds pain, pleasure, and circumstance. A love so deep and wide and high that it doesn't make sense. A love that is abrasive, a love that is truth, and a love that is endless mercy. A love beyond religion, reason, and reality. A love whose name ranks above time and space. A love named Jesus.

The past four months have been the darkest and ugliest of my entire life. (If you know me than you would probably say that I am fairly simple. Not a big fan of the drama.) Well, to say that these past months have been drama-filled and complicated, would be the understatement of the century. It's pretty amazing how quickly your life can turn completely upside-down. Four months ago I was living in Dallas, working on my master's degree at DBU and engaged to my girlfriend/best friend of almost three years. Without going into all of the messy details (it does get quite messy), I am now (just four months later mind you) living at home with my masters work on hold and I am very, very single.

The best word I can think of to use to describe this season of life is "excruciatingly real". I have experienced heartache before, but this is different. I think those closest to me would say that I've always been pretty level-headed, optimistic, and definitely a 'there's always a silver-lining' kind of guy but I couldn't do it this time. For the very first time in my life I was face to face with incredible depression, and it had brought friends: confusion, anger, bitterness, self-doubt, and despair. (All of the warm fuzzy's everyone raves about).

To be completely honest, I didn't know how to handle it and to a certain degree I still don't. I lost my future. (For anyone reading this who has experienced this, you know the feeling). It's like you forget how to be. Nothing feels right, nothing tastes right, nothing is right. You seem to either spend your days as a complete basket-case or totally numb to everything. To be completely transparent, it shook me to the core. Nothing made sense. Not even God.

It felt like I was honestly living a nightmare. And the hardest thing was, and still is, going to sleep at night. It's like I was going completely crazy. I'd toss and toss, my mind going on and on about the things I should've and shouldn't have said. What is she doing? What is she thinking? What is she feeling? Does she miss me? Did she ever want me, I mean really want me? Was our whole relationship alive? And then finally, for nothing less than pure exhaustion, I would fall asleep only to wake up the next day and have to come to the realization all over again. She was gone. My future, gone. Plans, gone. Everything was different, and it was devastating. For the first time in my life I was forced to deal with the all-too-real, gritty, ugly pain of life. And unlike the romanticized version of heartbreak that we see in every "Ro-Co" ever made; there isn't pouring rain to run through, there isn't the perfectly positioned "break-up ballad" to accompany your every step throughout the day. There is just pain. And it suffocates you.

I want this final paragraph to resonate with you, and for you to understand something. Throughout this time, I have struggled to trust that God really does have a plan. I have fought insanely hard to take Him at his word. When things like this happen, ( I don't know if anyone else is like this, but I am ) nothing makes me more mad, than for people to tell me "It's all gonna work out, God's got it under control." Because, although I realize the outright truth of that statement, it doesn't cover the pain you're feeling. It doesn't reach down and wipe it all away. And for months I battled this, and still do. But if there is one thing I have learned throughout this entire ordeal, is that in order to truly comfort the realness of pain, you have to understand the realness of that pain. And there is only one, and I mean only one who will ever fully understand my pain in full. That's my love, my Jesus.

In my ruin, he has drawn near. And in his nearness he whispered to me, and urged me to look back 2000 years. He took me to a hill, on a dark Friday afternoon where every pain, that had ever been or ever was going to be was manifested and poured on him. And in my darkness he smiled and with tears he said, I understand. I understand what you're feeling. I understand your pain. I felt it with you on that cross. I love you, and it's going to be ok.

Talk about a real touch, from a real God. I know this has been a long blog, and I can't wrap a pretty bow around it and tell you that now my life is all rainbows and milkshakes. (that'd be pretty sweet, though). But I can tell you that my God is real, and is ever near to the broken-hearted. He sings over those who are lying in ruin. And His melody is "I love you". Thanks for reading, I'll leave you with this word. Until next time, God Bless.

Isa. 55:1-3

Come, all you who are thirsty, come to the waters, and you who have no money, come, buy and eat! Come, buy wine and milk without money and without cost. Why spend your money on what is not bread, and your labor on what does not satisfy? Listen, listen to me and eat what is good and your soul will delight in the richest of fare. Give ear and come to me, hear me that your soul may live. I will make an everlasting covenant with you, my faithful love promised to David.